What if I told you President Obama’s speech writer,an aide, or the man himself with aid from the intelligence community had been stealing jokes from me during the campaign, would you believe it? Namely from my manuscript Thrashing Ale with Den Sidion, you could never believe that right, sounds ridiculous? What if the jokes,” I lead from behind,” and,” Mitt Romney has two degrees from harvard, WHAT A SNOB!” were both torn from my manuscript with many others, you never believe it! Even if I told you the joke I lead from behind was inspired by the movie Stripes when Harold Ramis says if they head off into war he’ll be right behind them I’m paraphrasing, sounds far fetched? You would think I was crazy, lost it, moved on from reality, as it’s hard to believe anything but spies are in the movies. What if I had contacted the Geek Squad and had them examine my computer, and they told me the Trojan horses were erased, even after I’d seen the words A Trojan horse has infected your computer files were compromised, even then still no one would buy it so why say it? How’bout contacting CNN, calling the FBI twice which told me it’d take several months to a year before they could investigate! All before the election, but the President stealing from a private citizen isn’t worthy of attention apparently, so they filed it away. I also contacted the CIA 3 times thru their website, but never heard a word back. If no one will listen, then why bother saying anything? If you think about the type of jokes I’ve written in this blog, and the President’s last 2 correspondence dinners, are they the same, think about it? I can tell you this now, and as much as it is all true, you’ll never believe it! There are many people who believe spies are only in movies, making a claim of this magnitude impossible. My feeling is, even if you think I’m being sarcastic or lying, I thought I’d give you the benefit of knowing this truth. The material was stolen, and they are probably going to get away with it! Now if a person who was computer savvy, unlike myself as I use my computer to write, were to check it they would find the tracks and the erased material. My understanding of computers is that even thou you’ve erased something it can still be found. Someone could believe me and help, but I’m at my wits end, so you’ll have to find me, instead of me finding you. It’s a funny thing, when the first theft happened I lost my desire to vote. I know it’s hard to believe, that’s why I kept my silence.
As most of you have probably figured out, I live off of Yack droppings in the belly of a tanned and leathered pigskin! Not like a football, no that wouldn’t make sense, now would it?! NO, it wouldn’t get your mind outta the trash heap! So yeah it’s a fine line between eating beano for every meal and exhausting your half eaten hot dog supply! That’s why I won’t eat styrafoam or wood chips, for reasons man, REA-SONS! Oh did I forget to tell you Indiana Ford came by and I continually brought up Blade Runner at odd times?! Yeah that’s because it never happened, but still Indiana I could have used a look implying I want to eat cake throughout! Bone up on your acting YOU STIFF! You ever smell the wrong side of someone’s wedding reception?! Whew, women high on cake sure want to dance a lot and ask me what I think about kids! I LOVE ‘EM! Great for manual labor and random pranks! Bring on the kids! God I’d love to have 7 or 8 for hole digs and footstools god I love ‘EM!
There are 8 things never to shout in a crowded room, and the roof is falling is all of them! Then there’s but two people who will talk to you, and both are law enforcement!
I gotta tell ya when you’re chair collapses mid sentence, you’ll never avoid embarrassment so Fling your plate of food and curse out the cast of Wipeout for falling gracefully! What was it the great poet said before he was beheaded? I didn’t realize my lack of morals would lead me here, go figure!
So hey, my book isn’t selling mud to a hut maker, I just got the worst haircut of my life, and I’ve taken to losing my cool and saying the tHe, THE! What’s that, would I like you to beam me with that egg little shaver? YES! Please do! And your dog is biting me, THANKS, you’re awesome! No Mick Jagger, I’m not hiding your satisfaction in that ominous cave, but look anyway! What random guy at my door selling crap, did you say I could hand you my wallet to hold? Sure, take it I trust you! Why are running back to your car?! OH, that’s where my free foam hat is, I knew it! Boy underwear wearing Barney doll we’ve got it ruff! What, you want me to hurl you into random guy as he drives away?! Of course, how could I be so dumb! These are the words I hear a lot, can we go ahead of you sir, you’re drunk in the buffet line! Or, why are you asking me to test that gravely hill sir, that’s stu-PID?! So things are good, just ask me! I might as well tell ya Ellen DeGeneres, I’ll be missing your show today due to nothing and random cow leg! You know how that comes up, of course you do?! They always say when piglets fly?! I’ve thrown a pig, they’re surprisingly nimble in the air and in a hole! The last one I swear sang David Hasselwhatever’s song, I’M lookin’ for a hero!! Sweet but not drunk enough for me, but still better than the original! Had me begging fer more! There’s 3 ways to skin a jelly sandwich, so take your hands off my JElly! Oh yeah of course, I forget to mention I wrote the longest novel in history! Here, this is where you imagine what it looks like stacked beside me. Yes, it is very tall, and yes it’s got its own room! 7,815 pages of the funniest damn book ever written using human words! This is the direct result of pure work ethic and cow leg! Here’s a link to my Facebook page on.fb.me/Sf3fA5 and a picture of the book will be up next week! Or you can search Buck T. Edwards on Facebook,a friend o’ mine in life, as he’s already posted a pic of the book! Aside from that I’m starting work on new war epic!!
Hi, I was asked once if I could post a video of me singing! Since I usually sing underwater here’s a link to the breathing human air songs http://www.bit.ly/RP54zh there behind these words! This link is to my secret YouTube channel, that chronicles my bad singing when I was sick, to now that I’ve recovered a bit. The piano songs are the new ones, the rest are a bit odd!
So I’m enjoying writing a new book, as it signals the coming of the end of a series near to my heart! I’ll miss these characters, that’s a weird thing to say! I hope I get lucky again with another set of great characters, or it’s back to writing soup labels! Then what I ask, then I’m writing in a new genre and wearing less bodypaint! The funny thing about living with pain is NOTHING! My hands always hurt, my knees ache, but I don’t let it get me down! What was it the bald guy in the hole said? Can you hand me the PESKY LADDER?! I would chum to if it weren’t such a good doorstop!
Yeah, my writing is going well, my left arm fell off! My head hasn’t exploded, but there’s always hope! My sister found a chestnut, exciting. I saw that Phoenix guy’s movie, the smell caught me by surprise, but I found a pesky used chestnut, highlight! OH, I went on a Blade Runner binge, always scary! What, am I really hiding a chicken in my COAT?! How dare you sir! Sorry I’m smuggling grapes thru customs. OH yeah, I could have sworn I tripped and landed in an episode of Seinfeld, NORM! Then there’s this Joe DiMaggio book I’m reading, sucks, sucks bad! From what I’ve read on the cover he was a good football player or whatever?! He’s not coming to my house anytime soon! You know who is, guess, guess?! That’s right, wonderwoman herself what’s her name! I’ve got a grilled cheese from a week ago waitin’ for ya WHAT’S your name! I probably shouldn’t have told her I was fan, oopsadaisy! Now to clean up, I’ll have to dig a pathway thru the living room, as Trash surrounds me! Oops, I’m trapped under a pizza box, tell the pizza woman I love her! What’s that, I shouldn’t blog and karate kick my car? Tough sir, that’s how I get it started! Same weirdo, you heard me! Oh and my leg’s broke, fun for all.
My 47th book has been completed, and it’s long and boring you’re welcome! It’s good for starting fires thou, that’s a plus! I’m laying on the ground flailing my bag of Froot Loops and English muffins currently, help I’m lazy! No one’s helping, time for the old chicken call coo caw blub! It worked I’m being dragged into the nearby ditch. Somedays you’re just a lucky duck what can I say?!
http://Www.bit.ly/MAGIC1 and http://www.bit.ly/Tipoff
So yeah, I’m at this highfalutin wedding of my mailperson in a cave under my home! And if I could say, it’s darker than a room with lights, but I couldn’t see you to tell you that anyway! I think some fat guy thinks I’m a chair, because his wideload butt is pushing me into the groom! Oh god I just knocked over the groom and he sideswiped the bride. I feel embarrassed for them, but I instead say the words loudly,” IS THAT BENGAY YOU’RE WEARING FOR COLONGE?!”. And if it hadn’t been so silent I would not have felt so embarrassed I was holding in my farts! So I blasted and it was too dark for anyone to know it was me, it was thou. Now the groom’s pissed and he’s saying,” you ruined my wedding! I outta kill you!” but he doesn’t know it was me, it was. So I give wideload a poke in the side with my salad fork, and he falls into the groom’s punch for some reason! I almost feel responsible if this wedding cake I’m eating didn’t taste so good! Why all the yelling I say? You’re in love, act that way! It’s about then the band, which is a puppeteer and his 3 string guitar, starts playing the Beatles song, or Ruttles song I can’t remember,” While my guitar gently weeps.”. I know why thou, your playing sucks and you need more strings, you suck sir I’m sorry! Now he’s mad at me, but he doesn’t know who made the comment. So I push the groom’s mother into him and she’s kicking his butt and breaking his guitar! I feel, um like maybe I’m responsible, but damn your guitar playing sucks! God every note makes me want to eat more of this delicious wedding cake, god it’s good! Oh, I see the bride heading my way with punch in her eyes. So I trip grandma into her and run for it! THANKS for INVITING ME! Your guitar playing still sucks thou,sir, BYE!!
So I see that Obama is proposing taking away a piece of the FREE speech wall. What they said was that you’d no longer be able to talk about other peoples religions, because it could cause an incident. Yeah, still I’d rather have my freedom, I don’t know about you? Like if I wanted to say to the people who worship macaroni, get A GRIP you losers!! I should have that right and the right to wear only spiderman undies to the store, for fun’s sake! You have to understand we’re either all the way free or not free at all. It’s not a percentage of FREE game, like the muligan I take that for some reason doesn’t count towards my score! You say it’s no big deal, like if they film us everywhere we go in public, that could never happen?! It won’t be long before you can’t say anything bad about the president, because it could cause him to do something stupid. I mean I do stupid things all the time, it’s called life! My point is, we can’t allow this fissure in the damn or it won’t be long before it breaks and we lose this right altogether. To protest I’m going to eat breakfast and forget my rights are floating away. This is how these things start, and then it’s all downhill! I can imagine a world with more walls, not more freedom and that’s a sad day!
So, a wise woman once said,” You can steal my heart, but you can’t stop it from beating!” So anyway I find myself waist deep in a giant apple pie, just like my high school guidance counselor said I would! I asked what should I be? And he said scavenger, rat eater, and nomad! How did he know?
These 2 free The Ohgood Caristic, and PABSTRUM’S Reckoning http://www.bit.ly/O6k3FC and now for my shameless plug eat cheese!
So I watched Avatar again, yeah I didn’t get the Avatar blues, but my arm hurts. So with my hurt arm I tripped myself into a gutter! And YES, Kirsten Dunst kicked me in the gut as I got up! It happens, but not as much as mining for rotten eggs. I feel a bit spaced out today, as my body seems to be healing from PTSD. New medicine, head punches, whatever works I say! So my body, which has eaten too many hamburgers and tennis shoes lately, feels much better, but I don’t know what to do with myself? I work a lot, but since I hadn’t been doing much else, I’m used to that. So I don’t know if I should play golf or chase Barney the Dino with a stick?! I could just start digging, that’s about as fun as falling suddenly ya know!
My mind is sharp these days, but readjusting has been difficult. I don’t know what to think! So I’ll just ride up beside people at stop signs and beam them in the mouth with French fries! Sometimes it sticks in their ears, but I’m not choosy! Is it rude to spit beer when someone says hello?! I’m struggling with that one, and wasting a sixer a week! No I only drink elephant spit, can’t beat the flavor! I have this project I’ve been working on, that is going well so I’ll abandon it! Ohh, I almost forgot ohh! My neighbor buried me face first in the dirt! Shout out to you, what’s your name!
Ahhhhhh my head!!! Ahhh my neck!!! That’s what I yell when I’m asked direct questions in public! Then I kick the nearest wall and throw whatever is in my hands into the air! I’m just trying to make friends, but for some reason it’s not working, what gives?! Oh I love a good Yack belly to ride in! I mean, talk about luxury and the smell, to die for! I only have 20 or 30 more hours in here and I’m halfway home! Even my cell phone loves the stench, as it’s glowing green, yes! There was a great Yack owner that once said eloquently, Yack eat Yack walk! I mean I couldn’t have said it better, and I’m trying! The half eaten oats make a nice pillow!
Oh my stead Righteous is drinking my last beer, WATCH IT BACON! I found a wad of cash in a lump of elephant dung, yesterday’s high to the LIGHT! Now I can buy that Jimi Hendrix shaped back scratcher! It’s the little things that matter, just ask the Reaper Man! Boy I haven’t had more fun then kicking the Reaper man hard in the butt! Steal my last Donkey Kong shaped pretzel will ya. Ohhhh my back!! Ahhh my leg fell off!! Sorry for the outburst someone just asked me if I worked here. Is it alright if my traveling companion my female cheetah yells the song Thunder Road when people say hello? I can’t say I mind it, much! STRAP YOUR HANDS ‘ROUND MY ENGINES!! Sorry again, just making conversation with the Yack owner!
What neighbor’s kid I’m supposed to be watching, you wanna run off and join the circus? I’LL DRIVE! Is it hard to be a lion tamer? God no, just get lathered up in meat, and poke a lion a few times! Boy they love it when you do that! What, EAT YOU?! What a dumb question! No, they’ll just lay down and you can rub their tummy with your meat covered head! Where will you sleep? Everywhere, dumpsters, abandoned cars, holes, you might even get a good hard elephant turd for a pillow. Yeah, that is awesome, makes me wanna join too! Hey, can you breathe less kid, it’s annoying thanks. Huh, will you get paid? Of course not, they let you use the elephant turd don’t they? Will you end up starving and broke? NO, you won’t at first silly. Boy, I may have to drop you off on this stretch of darkened, railroad track. I’ll see ya, you can walk can’t ya? NO, this isn’t dark and scary, just man up you brat! I’ll see ya neighbor’s kid I hate for burning my new house down!