Lightningpen's Blog

Yes son, the walnut god made you and dropped you in our toilet, so there you go, happy!

August 4, 2012 · lightningpen

Hi hey, how’s it going? I just won the Inspiring Blogger award for the 2nd time, my 14th award all told and whispered beneath your soup! So yeah, there’s that and I just got invited to the free Mumford and Sons concert, insert weak barely audible yeah here! I don’t particulary care for za Mumford, as Thompson and son play a mean jug and install couches! Look, now that furniture moving companies like za Mumford are making it big, I can hold out hope for people who sow and smell, stars people! I like folk music, but only if it’s 50 years old! Za Mumford I don’t know, maybe if they could make a duck speak or cover themselves in tree sap at their shows I might like it, can’t say thou? Then there’s the lack of good faucet work after the show, that quite frankly I find appalling! I heard once from my invisible friend, any real band can coldcock their audience if the music wanes, and za Mumford just doesn’t have that! Hey, I wish they did it’d get them out of the tub and toilet scene! Now,when I think about them possibly hurling themselves into a ravine to promote their,” MUSIC,” I say go for it, that will easily get you playing grey pig wrestling festivals and underwear tastings GO FOR IT! So yeah, I will probably go, but only if I get comped some really good bacon, hmm bacon!

I’d like to thank http:/:lizbethwrightbooks.wordpress.com for nominating me for this award AND the half eaten pretzel! It was incredibly nice of you on both counts, boy that pretzel made the party too! Seriously you have an incredible blog that warrants checking out, as you’ll love every dripping of creativity there, thank you again!

Noe here are 7 Reasons not to feed me beans! Wait, no I’m being told I have to tell you 7 things about myself, insert lackadaisical great here!
1. Don’t tempt me with beans, or only one of us will live to regret it!
2. I used be in on a sketch comedy show in my home city of Portland, and yes those photos will come back to haunt me!
3. I played a 1 hour rock show at the Rainbow in Hollywood, and there was music involved thankfully!
4. I can do a 4 revolution backspin with very few people getting injured, PLEASE BACK UP PEOPLE!
5. I scored 74 points in a basketball game once, and I was a gunner, but it’s only gunning if you miss!
6. I love me movies and yes Avatar made ms good and sad! What drug was that anyway, did they drug the popcorn?! If so can I get more popcorn?!
7. I have an uncanny way with animals, that ever since I was a kid they are drawn to me! I think it’s because I’m part muscast, Muscrat fever! Doon da doon doon!

Here are my 15,000 nominees, wait my bad 15 nominees!
1. Http://neelkanth.wordpress.com
2.Http:// molixiu.wordpress.com
3. Http://londonsurvival.wordpress.com
4. Http://chrissolmay.wordpress.com
5. Http://grandmalin.wordpress.com
6. Http://thecottonbowlbride.wordpress.com
7. Http://distantminds.wordpress.com
8. Http://infinitewiddendream.wordpress.com
9. Http://sheliahurst.wordpress.com
10. Http://conversingwithnovels.wordpress.com
11. Http://ideastoworlds.wordpress.com
12. Http://brianwestbye.wordpress.com
13. Http://writeknit.wordpress.com
14. Http://figmentcity.wordpress.com
15. Http://mittenskittens.wordpress.com

There are all the nominees I wish you all great luck in your writing careers! One final word on za Mumford shame factor in their songs, they’re good, but Sarah McClocklan could shame the cane out of a blind man’s hand zowee!

Magic Everything RELEASED! Hand me the donkey pajamas!

August 2, 2012 · lightningpen

Magic Everything is now for sale!! Here are the links to Magic Everything,
Barnes and Noble http://www.bit.ly/Tipoff is here.

Amazon http://www.bit.ly/MAGIC1 is here!!

I just opened a bottle of Jack Satut old fashioned orange juice, and I am wasted on goodness! When you party at my house it means one thing, PELICAN wrestling! Let’s go pelican, I got your number this time! I am so incredibly happy with the way Magic Everything ended up being! This is truly a triumph over challenges, and I couldn’t have done it without the support of my readers, thank you for everything! You inspire and lift me up daily, thank you again! It means the world to me!

Now if someone could snore louder we might start the dancing! What do you think this is some LAME party with MUSIC?! We got chives and half a chess board and we’re gonna party! Heckfire I’m warming up the My little Pony and I’m JACKED! When the free haircuts start, we’re gonna lose it, woo! There’s only 1 thing better than this party, whopping some pelican ass! It’s piledriver time! Oww, I blew my piledriver and hurt my arm and back! WHO let the PELICAN in my house! When the wise rise the rainbows multiply! Thank you everyone I hope you enjoy Magic Everything!

O.k. You can bring your roadkill rat to the recital, but you’re not wearing that dress!

August 1, 2012 · lightningpen

Hi so I’m riding my trusty steed Righteous the pig around town, and I’m handing out chewed up gum with the words Magic Everything written on them in pen! I think this is my best marketing idea yet, YES! I also have on my royal red unitard with the words,’ Don’t smell, read a book,” written around my stomach in purple! Let’s face it, this is what all the big time writers are doing, and I knows it! I laughed at 1 little lemon haired kid when he bent down and split the ass crack of his pants! Now he’s got me in a headlock and is pummeling me with an orange! It’s like that guy who wrote the book said, honest officer, I dont know this goat personally! Words to live by, trust me on this! I just poked the kid in the belly now me and Righteous are riding over the hobo population, on our way to some sweet slop! Boy could I go for some too, not really you know slop tastes like turd right?! Anyway ya know, I just wish the peoples singing on the sidewalk would shut their yaps, a swine’s comin’ thru!

In the future I think people will wise up and go back to making their houses out of mud! Its free, it looks classy, and if you need a cellar just dig! Boy I miss the days when I was an egg salesmen in my mind, thems were the days! Don’t kid yourself eggs are worth lots, and lots will get you SQUAT! If you ask me we don’t have enough egg paying jobs, that’s right the big bucks! Boy, I just realized I need to be selling my book underwater! Now we’re talking, I can corner the market! If a duck don’t quack, you knows it’s weird Lenny from next door in his duck undies! Hey Weird Lenny, how’s the blowing it big time going?! What?! Can’t hear you over the talking! OH, that’s you talking, well that explains it!

That beaver AIN’T ridin’ in the truck! And neither are you!

July 31, 2012 · lightningpen

Just 2 days until Magic Everything comes out and it got me thinking, can da beaver man fly?! Cause I’m up in my homemade dragon shaped helicopter and damn if I didn’t find da beaver up here! Well here goes, tell me if the ground’s hard beaver, good luck! So, having a good day thus far, my,” I’m really invisible so watch IT!’ t-shirt on, purple slacks and rubber sneakers souls tied to my feet, where’s the party?! I know swimming in mud is fun, but hurling in your date, MORE fun! Is it chunky gorgeous?! What, you hate me and want me dead, WHY?! I’m at a loss for word clamlick, that was best shot! Oh I can’t believe I’m telling you this, but I sleep in a fiberglass tube in your dumpster! I hope you don’t mind reader, but it’s sweet sleepin’ let me tell ya! A ham for a pillow, cabbage and gravy blanket, FUN who asked YA?!

Jim Morrison is everyone. We’ve all been there where you’re a balding fat rock star with your looks fading! What was it the end was his friend? Well the end can beat it! If your friend is death that’s one he’ll of a JERK to hang out with! Oh yeah, it sure is fun to run yourself into the ground, I LOVE IT! Oh, where’s Poo bear and Tiger when you need them? I got da beaver carcass I need to make into a sweater! There’s a big party coming, just keeping up with the roadkill wearing crowd, low society! You get 3 chances in life, to BLOW IT, blow it real bad, and SCREW yourself major, EnJOY the ride!

Sir, the smurfs want their pants back, I talked to Poppa!

July 30, 2012 · lightningpen

Hi, I was just thinking about the last time i went swimmy in the public pool! You know if you’re not the first one in you’re swimming in foulness! I looked up and saw a little kid smiling at me, and I didn’t have to ask I just knew I knew! It didn’t help the water was a little too warm and toasty for spring! So I rode my trusty steed home my pet piglet Righteous and showered me up! Then I saw the same kid sitting on my couch smiling, and I knew I just knew! Hmm, i’m happy that Magic Everything is almost out, but not the see thru speedo, you’re blinding people, it’s wrong! Then there’s my diet, nothing but shaved ice and a single caramel stare per day, too easy! What was it the smart person said, the longer I talk to you the longer it feels like I’m talking to you! Whatever, what a dumb thing to say loser!

I’m very thankful that the spiderman trousers from 5th grade still fit and don’t ruin my rep at the gym, lucky I guess! Boy I tell ya I’m in my Olympic spirit, I yell a lot and punch things! They should give unicorns a decent coloring book, too many rainbows and I’m ripped! Can’t I get 1pot of gold or a weird head to color in, come on, you’re dropping the ball here! It sure is a Great feeling to know that running in place was overlooked as an Olympic event, I spent 12 years in a hole refining it, now this snub! Well that’s it I’m only watching 6 or 7 hours of coverage a day! You know it’s her place when your place is the dump! Who knew garbage and seagulls were a turn off, GREAT! Next you’re gonna tell me showering and working out are back in fashion, yeah right! If there’s 1 thing I’ve deduced, it’s that the pick up line I’m the police empty your purse is a classic!

Playing possum to ruin a date, it works!

July 29, 2012 · lightningpen

Hi hello it’s official I’m engaged to the sea! Our love affair has taken me some weird places, mostly shallow water but who’s counting?! I AM, that’s five swims this week ohh yeah! So I’ve gotten into the habit of changing all my habits! First change, I now eat cheeseburgers for breakfast and steer all conversations to the weather, my specialty! I wear sweaters when it’s hot and go around saying, BOY IT’S HOt! To which I get pounded and chased, but I’m good at playing possum, skills baby! Oh no, I think I’m dying THUd! Nope, I possumed ya, now i’m soaking in my sweet victory, YES! I cleaned the kitchen a little while ago, where’s my friggin’ robots, it’s the future already?! I want my starship, and what’s Spock doing these days soup commercials?! I need a first mate by gum! I can’t handle modern day pressures, somebody invent a do everything robot already! Do you think the movie premiers for bad movies are in holes? Might as well be with a stinker under your belt, yeah I missed that one oops! I wrote today and I used words, real ones that make a crackling sound as you read ‘ em, crack!

You can’t tell a horse you ain’t been ridin’! That what a steaming turd just whispered as I ate it! The annual donut jamboree’s today and I’m packing my usual glazed with jerky crushed into it! Why mess with a winner, when I consistently win 8th place! Here comes Becky Looseleg herself! Hey Becky you’re carrying my demon seed! Oww, Becky has now taken offense to my tomfoolery, and is beating me senseless, oww! Word to the wise, dumb people hit hard! Now I’m running side by side with the ski team losers, GET A SLED!

Hi, yeah does that moose come standard?!

July 28, 2012 · lightningpen

Regardless of how many tube socks you put on your head, you still look like a boob, but I don’t want to miss it when they come back in style! I find myself right where I left me, right where I look down, darn it! I was hoping to give me the slip, annual hippo underwear fest and pie off as it is! I have been eating healthy, which means any chicken or Cow-let per se I can wrestle to the ground! The only problem is, and there’s several, is I tend to overeat! I do this because I say, I’m so thin I can fly, hence falling spree 08′ 9 and moments ago! What was it the great moron money in my wallet said, stop buying cats for scenery! I can yet,those cats tie the room together!
August 2nd is fast approaching, which means last minute tweaks and random gravy beratement is abundant, screw you gravy, lumpy loser! I’m pretty sure I won’t be using my website and instead the major book sellers to sell Magic Everything, because my website attaches 4.50 in taxes! Why not just offer angry raccoons with each book, and rat head totems?!

Boy the stuff I have to smell to get some pie! The tri daily meat and cinnamon pie contests are racing a-long! I thinks if I pretend my leg’s broke, the sympathy will get me thru to the finals! Oww, the Laychance sisters are pounding my head into the table, as I accidentally blurted out The LAYCHaNCE SISTERS suck mule butt! And they heard me along with the whole tent, damn it! Oww again, now I’m being dragged out for unlawful touching of a pie! They’ll never prove them charges! Whoa, a sight to gander at, a dead ringer for Johnny Cash has decided to assail the crowd with roundhouses! I LOVE your music! That really shook Johnny up, random super fan shakes off the traildust I says!

Why not ask the camel for directions DAD?!

July 26, 2012 · lightningpen

Hi, I’ve been working on my own edit of Magic Everything to compare to the professional one I’m having done, and it’s finished! No more bullet holes, the bones have healed in my grammar skills, and I’ve fixed the comma situation! Now for a 10 part harmony sung thru a duck and we’re done! It reads well and my endless revisions did bear fruit thankfully! They didn’t bear new socks, which I need, whatever! This is the first clean copy I’ve ever produced, and now I feel invigorated with the end result, me being lowered into molasses as I’m pummeled with rocks! Just kidding, it was guacamole whatever! Now my sister’s wedding is fast approaching and someone will of course ask, does this book have a lot of words, because we’re sick of words? Then I’ll lose it and forget to curtesy laugh, hey tough luck! So we’re staying in a cabin at the wedding, can wait! I’m whitening my teeth a bit so when I trip and take out the wedding cake, I’ll look my best! Then there’s the endless cries of the Freebird of weddings, FUNKY, CHICKEN! The funky chicken is only fun if someone is really wasted and they do a face plant and rip out the ass crack of their pants! Otherwise it’s not one I’d rank anywhere! Then there’s THE BAND! Hitting on all your family members and acting like they’re SO BORED! You can see my life is action packed!

You gotta keep your eyes on the prize they say, but I got my eyes on the gi-raffe that’s my ride home! I sees before me el whip as she’s called, and she keeps waving me over for a headlock! Neh, neh I says and then I hurl myself out the window, to keep up my rep! The problem is I lands in the pig feeder! About then I wish I’d never met that pesky pair of chaps I’m wearin’! MOO AHH, MOO AHH I shouts for help! Damn if no one offers to aid my slop covered body! Then I see a bright orange and red colored horny piglet coming my way and I knows it’s RUN! 1 hour later I pull up lame in front of,” Steak is a condiment,” restaurant! Then it hits me, a long silver baseball bat in the lower back! I call out in invisible language, mostly snorts and screams and knows I should have been a lawyering man!

I don’t believe ya skimmy Jims!

July 24, 2012 · lightningpen

I was wondering how skinny is this Slim Jim?! And I thought with brain head, why isn’t he eating his own candy?! You can’t stay so slims eating candy all day, boob man! I’m onto you, like taffy in your eye mister Jim! OH, and what’s about the Swedish fish?! First, how dummy would you have to be to think they were fish?! They’re candy hello to troll, fish smell! Boy I’d hate to eat your Swedish meatloaf, probably taste like turd! See, I knows if I could find an old black boot,and chopped it up small like! I could call it Moon people fish and you would eats it! I think sometimes only I gets all these great ideas, me person. I had a sweet idea for a bike that rode itself, called Swedish fish! That was my bestest, yup number one good! I just heard thunder crash, and I am waiting for smell, not happily thou. OH, I have a panda I call elephant, and he is actully my mailman Ted lead, total loser, wears only half his pants! Hey Ted to the lead, are you dones eating all my birthday cake! Boy I feels my slappin’ hand ahh warmin’! Hey lower your head, I’m not gonna slap you Ted! I just thought there was a bird in you ear WATCH OUT! Ted you had that slap comin’ ‘cept it! Is captain Crunch the captain of the Swedish fish boat? Let’s face it his gold tastes like cereal, less gold! Something just made me laugh, but I don’t what it was ha hah! If the sun man shines in my eye, 1 more time I might have to rat him out for only working half days! GET TO WORK!

IT’S AN INVASION!! Gluck! I just saw a trio of speedo sporting dudes, ALIENS!

July 22, 2012 · lightningpen

Yeah yup whatever, I refuse to acknowledge the boogeyman’s existence! He up and left mom and me hiding in the closet! And it was 3 weeks before we wised up! So how are ya?! Oh I’m great self I was just going over the HIGHlights of my potato picking career! I mean barrel 8 was something, but nine, need I go further! Wow if you want to sucker a kid, offer them change to do back breaking manual labor! Old man Smith gave me 75 cents when I was 10, to pull boulders out of his garden all day! I’m not bitter, but my memories are, I’m onto ya! I wonder if beaver people, ya know those pesky 6 foot 5 inch beaver, that say they know your gal from work, why do they have to sleep over so much? OH, I heard tell the blubber from a seal can be used as stuffing for your Santa suits, there’s an image to enjoy at LUNCH! I guess we’re singing to the choir about the perils of naked bicycle riding! Another lesson learned mid fall, LOVE IT! If you’re ever 37 feet deep in an ice cave, there is no need for Winger or a Winger substitute! I can GO without your MUSIC! And who do you think we’re gonna eat when the rope breaks, you and I mean you! Somebody warm up the savory, because I got deep fried tunessmith on me mind! There are 8 reasons not to bring a coffee maker on a spelunking trip, all it’s heavy! Ahh, boy could I go for a cup as I’m near death and I am starving in this cave, but you forgot the beans! What?! Is that you gurgling under the weight of a stalagtight, I can’t see you, situational blindness has gripped me! This coffee sure is great thou!

Oh, I just ahhh…won my 11th award The Lovely Blog award and I am blown away! I feel very fortunate to have won this award and to have my loyal and incredible readers! I thank you so much for your continued support! Writers need a breath and a set of eyes on their page, or they’re writing menus! Thank you for now and always! I would like to thank the incredible http://www.inksylph.wordpress.com for this exceptional award! Your blog is brilliant and I see great things in your future! Buffet line 4 and manhole 5 next to the sewage treatment facility, you’re going place! The gutter will be your friend and half eaten donuts will be your NEW ones! I am just kidding! You are incredibly talented! To sow a seed of greatness takes just a skin of a raindrop! Thank you again!

First thing about me, I have a purple gorilla I bring to bars so I can” Hang out ” in front of the TV and watch Golden Girls!

Secondly I can’t enjoy a good bike ride without a header into my neighbors pool at the end, and chives!

Third fact I can lay around, honest I wouldn’t kid you about that!

Fourth thing is I was Fabio’s stand in on 47 films, or I just made it up, I can’t say! Whatever?

Number five brings to light my karaoke addiction! I mean, I’ll sing right in your ear, and I’ll use notes, sorry boo boo ba!

Six I heard someone say I wasn’t invisible, but I don’t believe it!

7 I write so much each day that my body gets physically exhausted, but I love it!

Here are the nominees!

http://www.mattymfiction.wordpress.com

http://www.goodbookdiscussion.wordpress.com

http://www.terry1954.wordpress.com

http://www.susanreviews.wordpress.com

http://www.pczick.wordpress.com

http://www.stevenleocampbell.wordpress.com

http://www.royalsincitymissive.wordpress.com

http://www.leavemealoneimtryingtokillmyself.wordpress.com

http://www.hobbybyhobby.wordpress.com

http://www.50daysofsummerproject.wordpress.com

http://www.offbeatcluster.wordpress.com

http://www.pamelavmason.wordpress.com

http://www.wideawakebutdreaming.wordpress.com

http://www.curtissannmatlock.wordpress.com

http://www.thepoeticwriter.wordpress.com

You are all exceptional! A great clam once said, you’re not really gonna boil me are you?! To which I replied, will you marry me!

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