Lightningpen's Blog

2 FREE NOVELS! No I didn’t steal your toilet seat!

September 5, 2012 · lightningpen

FREE for two weeks on Smashwords The Ohgood Caristic and PABSTRUM’S Reckoning http://www.bit.ly/O6k3FC take a look!

So I’m wearing my standard issue Superman fanclub underwear, and I’m not flyin’! What a jip, I’m switching to pancake man for the free short stack! So I finds meself being dragged by an angry father’s horse, what a jip! I tried calling for Righteous, but he seems to have run off with a goat. I knew this day would come, right after yesterday. Uh-oh, there’s a woman eyein’ me with a mouth full of chewing tobacco! Don’t do it miss, OR i’LL LOSE IT!! Damn you and that amateur hour Skoal right in my eye! If you’re gonna chew, it better be Kodiac! Now I seem to be getting pounded by that amateur hour Skoal woman! Typical, I’ve seen this before! Oh you crazy weirdo, DON’T PULL THE LOCKS! Man I wish I weren’t so tied up and getting whooped like a kid caught staring at the cheerleading coach! Ya know miss, your punches SUCK, eat that! Oh my eye, HELP!! Come back Righteous I was kidding about the barbecue! Miss I’m gonna lose it! WHAT, you wanna untie me, go ahead! There ya go, now I’m outta here! So I’m stealin’ the pesky horse-folk that was dragging me, you stink miss, EAT THAT! Whoops, she seems to have a Camaro and el whip! No way is this hide gettin’ tanned again! Warm up my stool in heaven, I’m bringin’ a sixer and a smile!

I THINK, I may have found the blue tie wearing gorilla in the backseat, instead of stolen him from the Zoo across the street.

September 3, 2012 · lightningpen

I have 2 book’s in a FREE promotion at http://www.bit.ly/O6k3FC and it’s for a limited time. The FREE book’s are The Ohgood Caristic, which is Science and Fantasy Fiction. It has a sequel as well titled Pracakien Screams for 2.99. If everyone suddenly turned against you, where would you turn? If no one could be trusted who would you trust? Dr. Famaron Venge survives a coup attempt and is left to unravel the riddle of who did it.
PABSTRUM’S Reckoning is a Fantasy epic saga and is in the Staff Trilogy series. It has a sequel titled The Yellow Plague. It takes more than a wizard to conjure the wind. In a land of 200 foot beasts called Palants that drag 30 story homes on wagons the world is always waiting. Staffs and spell casting can keep you alive in a fight or disagreement where magic trumps any gun. There are vicious beasts that stalk the roads called Canto. The murky line between life and death creates only a fear of breaking the wizard’s code.

In honoring Labor Day I’m doin’ nothin’! I not throwing myself in front of a truck! I’m not eating mud all day with kangaroo droppings like usual. HECKFIRE, I’m not even running my tech company into the ground! The stocks printed on toilet paper anyway! No, no one more timer, I’m going deep in the Amazon to find the hidden tribe of Elvii! That’s Elvis Livpersontors, which is a person who only sings Blue Suade Shoes and eats only fried peanut butter and banana sandwitches! Now I know it will be dangerous, as not everyone can were the studded white jumpsuit. But I’ve been eating my way to a snug fit let me tell ya! Now the only other thing I’ll need is my 69 comeback special black leather suit, to fend off a tribe of posers nearby. Boy I hope I don’t die out there in the savage Amazon in 110 degree heat and people eating lions all around. At least the flies aren’t bad so I can go without bug spray. And I probably need a good old shovel, in case I need a quick getaway, yeah, that’s a good idea! Oh, almost remembered, it’s only a 60 mile walk in thru the brush and swamp, got that going for me!

No you may not use my motor oil to have sex! Now get out of my son’s underwear!

August 31, 2012 · lightningpen

I can’t believe Clinto Eastwoodia drank so much keg of beer before his unscheduled rant! For a minute I half expected his legs to give out and the floor would break his fall! Can’t believe my Captain Crunch certified fan hat hasn’t come?! I’m sick of just wearing the captain hat I got from a bum, and getting beaten up! Although, it’s a good way to meet people! So is ice slips, that’ll bring a crowd when I’m lying there with a broken hip. Then I invariably gab them up with things like, DAMN this HURTS! CALL an Ambulance! I find this chit chat breaks the ice, and you never know who you’ll meet! Did I mention the crunch hat, it’s snazzy! If I only had the belt I could get my rowboat and go pirating. You only need a day, or two’s, worth of food as you live off the sea. I can’t wait, here comes TREASURE!

EPIC FANTASY FICTION novel PABSTRUM’S RECKONING is FREE on smashwords here http://www.bit.ly/O6k3FC for the time being! Get your copy today!!

NO the donkey DOESN’T come with the camper! Stop stealing it sir.

August 30, 2012 · lightningpen

Holy smokdidalyoak I just finished my remodling of the hole I live in. Now there’s an extra bathroom right by my bed, YES! Oh, and it smells, bad, so it’s pretty smokdidalyoak cool! I had to open a fresh can of whoopbutt after I broke my I Dream of Jenie collectibles. Who knew porcelain couldn’t fly?! So I slapped a Mr. Potatohead that was hogging the remote and it was fun. I took his nose and no one knew it was me! Then a polar bear stole my best chicken, I’ll miss ya buddy! Boy I miss that chicken breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Writing a lot these days, as the new book is going great! I am also very happy with my first free promotion of The Ohgood Caristic http://www.amzn.to/PgdWic with it .99 now. I have gotten 1 Review on MAGIC EVERYTHING, even thou it was a bit odd thank you very much.

My dream is to be a professional writer, which means a lot of hard work. I’m glad to do it, it’s finding out how to market yourself that’s difficult. I’ve been reading a ton, blogs and book’s with pretty good absorption. The hope is I can learn what has to be done and then just do it. So, that’s what I’m thinking about today. Thank you for everyone that joined in the free promotion now here’s your faults.
1. You only talk when your mouth is full and it’s something important.
2. You tried showering and figured out you didn’t like it!
3. You think my name is GUY or HEY YOU!
4. You follow your vibes and always end up face down in the dirt with a bloody nose.
5. You caw like a crow when someone asks you a direct question caw CAW!!
Thank you everyone for the support!!!

FREE book to announce!

August 25, 2012 · lightningpen

I have a FREE science fiction book The Ohgood Caristic on Amazon to reward my fans with http://www.amzn.to/PgdWic for 4 more days grab your copy! I have a book for sale that is doing pretty good on Amazon titled Magic Everything http://www.bit.ly/MAGIC1 ,on Barnes and Noble here http://www.bit.ly/Tipoff grab a copy!

I also have a goat in a headlock! Screw you goatkind! It’s a weird life being a writer, as I wrote 33 novels before I wrote one I got compliments on. Now there’s a desire to want to write similar book’s, basically because at least it’s selling well. I never thought of book’s like that before, I just always wrote whatever I wanted to. So it’s a bit of a conundrum, but at least I have fans now( And I thank you all you’re Amazing!!!).
As far as the goat headlock I still have a square dancing competition to win, and goats can dance! I want that lemon pie and actual steel nails and single horseshoe bad, so we’re dancin’!

Mister, can you stop being an idiot, we can’t see the parade?

August 23, 2012 · lightningpen

So I got a new doctor and he’s screwing me over too, but who cares who’s got sprinkles?! I wore ass-less chaps to church, but don’t worry I had nothing on underneath ‘em! And for some reason I was getting dirty looks, like what’s up with that?! Then I went up ate a stack of those weird bread wavers and ran off with the church wine! So yeah, my experience was really good and the wine only had half backwash, which is pretty good. Then I started doing the funky chicken on main street and no one joined in?! Where’s the love for the chicken?! I can still remember a day when that would have got me a free donut, but instead I got a kick in my ass and a hurl down a thorny hill! So it was the usual, only hurt for 5, or 6 hours! About then I saddled up my trusty steed Righteous and we randomly rode thru peoples living rooms! Righteous seemed to think one house didn’t need their dinner so he ate it! I would have minded if I weren’t eating all the fried chicken! Then for some reason we ended up in a hole, with dirt being shoveled on us! I knew I needed a job about then and felt dumb to be riding a filthy piglet! Then to my amazement Righteous started digging like a darn fool! And we ended up in the woman’s changing room at the mall! Again I wished I learned how to duck an uppercut to the head, as the women were none too pleased, WHO KNEW! Now we’re watching the lamest clown ever bend balloons into NOTHING! They still look like balloons, but he claims they resemble hot dogs, lame! OH, did I mention my doctor screwed me?!

Can I borrow 2 thirds of your donut, and half your pet snake, thanks!

August 17, 2012 · lightningpen

Sorry about not blogging for awhile, but holy cow smoking pipe as he rides over a waterfall have I had a bad week! My doctor went crazy and screwed me over, thanks too kind of ya! But as far as right now, I feel better than a man trapped in a punching bag without chives, that’s pretty good! I went to my sister’s wedding and there was a funky chicken spotting, and YES they should be ashamed! Why the DJ decided to time warp back to the eighties I don’t know! But at least the music sucked, which was awesome! I feel this tremendous ache for The Legend of Zelda. Mostly because my new Zelda hat and shorts most retailers find offensive. The sword thou, that’s money and I’m slicing some bread with it now!

If you finds yourself in Geary’s saloon and a fried clam does slap your eye, be damn sure to jump into the spittoon it’s safer! I’m there now and it is SWEET! Old lady Nutter is eyeing my chaps and if she weren’t 500 pounds I’d be interested. As it is I’m interested in running! Once outside I seen Young lady Nutter eyeing my,” I don’t know where your wedding ring is, but you look smokin’ hot!” t- shirt and my collar minds. So here I am running again, but my Keg of beer I’m carrying is getting shaken up! So I ah hurled it out into traffic for safety’s sake. Boy, I never knew a keg could explode like that! SORRY, I hope you didn’t need your backseat fella!

I need a cabbage patch kid and a half eaten small fry, OH, and stop looking at me!

August 8, 2012 · lightningpen

In every century there has emerged a real peckerhead! Most of which ruin my family’s life by working in food service! I said to the cashier I’d like 2 hamburg’s! She said we only serve hamburgers and that my chaps smelled, bad! About then my hand accidentally hurled the free mustards into the wall, but I was quick to apologize! They were quick to kick me out! I wouldn’t have minded being physically hurled into the dumpster with the sour beandip, if it weren’t for the lack of manners in DOING SO! I quickly grabbed 2 heaps of beandip and ACCIDEnTALLY hurled it into their smug smiling faces! A pounding of me ensued that I right or wrong took offense too! The poet Richmond Virginia said of poundings,” try to keep the CHAPS INTACT!” That is the credo I live and get, pounded a lot by! About this the restaurant next door called Steak you Idiot, decides their moldy cheese and somewhat flammable mayonnaise needs to find it’s way into my life! I can say I minded, but then the running up and jumping OFF, of the cardboard onto the fry cook, wouldn’t seem as awesome as it was! Then this time I got a baker’s dozen karate kicks to the love nuggets, again oddly enough I minded! Then I ran off yelling, YOU WIMP losers, I’ll kick your butts! Which leads to them chasing after me thru the,” Clam and Raisin made jeans day Fest!”. Leading of course to me tripping on a horse nugget and falling down a manhole! I see no man, but the hole and mostly hard cement floor as I hits YES, I sees it! Now rats are cute, to other rats, but for some reason I minds them crawling on me! I hope the words,” Screaming like a little girl!” means something to you at this point, as I ah was and it was ah ‘barrassing!

Boy this IS a snug coffin, does it have a coffee maker?!

August 7, 2012 · lightningpen

Hey why don’t you jump in the coffin to see if you like it! WHAT, no that’s not me shoveling dirt on you, it rains dirt around here! Boy it’s so hot and dirt right now I feel bad having not told you! What, why am I removing the ladder?! Well for the experience of course, how else will you know if you like it?! Boy what a dumb question that was! Hey do you wanna see how dark it gets inside?! Just duck your head for a second! No I won’t close it on ya, horse snot, yes I meant of course not. WHAT?! I can’t hear you with the coffin closed sir! Oh I’m just gonna undo the straps, be ready for a stiff jolt won’t ya! OH gee, your sideways in the grave, well I’ll see ya! Thanks for calling me pal and slapping me hard on the back! Yeah, I guess I did mind afterall, so whatever! Oh wait, is this your wallet in my hand?! Huh, it is isn’t it, I need an all your money loan, thanks again PAL! OH one last thing, your girlfriend’s hot I’m gonna ask her out! OH I’m stealing your car too, she’s a beut’! What?! You hate me and I’m gonna pay?! No payment necessary I’m taking your house too, thanks again pally I minded the slap I guess! At some point you gotta stop being such a jerk and stop slapping people, like when you’re in a coffin being buried alive! There’s a shovel in the coffin,sir, you can dig your way out! Just kidding there isn’t one, just wanted one last dashing of your hopes, enjoy pal!

Oatmeal trousers were my first choice for prom, you were the second, BLAH!

August 6, 2012 · lightningpen

Hi, I just started a new science fiction novel today, and I’m excited about this one! I’m back to jamming thru 28 pages a day, and as long I just write and don’t worry about anything else I’ll be fine! I find the better the plot the easier it is to write, and this one I’m flying! I also have to keep my hopes up I’ll sell some copies of Magic Everything, as I really love that book and it’d be nice if someone would just take a look at it!

It’s codpiece and Viking helmet weather today, so you know where my heads at! In a Viking helmet smoothies lover, Where else?! Oh I have this hankering for fake smiles and elephant turd, ya know the circus! But I’m circusless and jogging s fever, it happens! I still remember that thing I can’t forget, whatever it was! I started flipping out when I realized I’m peak age to be an Olympic judo champion, cause I’m good at falling, world class! Oh wait a minute, the neighbors are karate kicking the dog again, nice form. I mean GET AWAY from the pouch! Boy, the neighbors are a weird group, they gently kick my dog daily, and he seems to like it weird! FYI I see smelly Sid the guy from across the street about to break his lawn chair by sitting down too fast, OH and he wipes it! Boy do I lead an exciting life! Can’t he’p it, uh oh my trusty steed Righteous is Lickin’ up the last of the pea soup! Step away Righteous!

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